The self seeks recognition from others (full, honest, authentic, and non-judging recognition) – the ego, however, likes its recognition to be conditional upon its own expectations and desires.Dr. Aaron Blalick
The human that you see in front of you
And the one that you see in the mirror
Is not a real human.Dr. Kapil Gupta
I’ve been lately trying to find a path “out” of therapy. I’ve been at it hard for six months now, on top of two years of diddling around in it. I learned a lot and feel like I’ve read everything there is to know at least in my corner of neurosis. And yet still, the anxiety and panic returns.
The good thing is they return in a form which makes more sense and doesn’t overload my being. EMDR sheared off the sting of emotional memory. I no longer go from 0 to 100 hyper-vigilant from a little body sensation. Now I recover within minutes or hours, not days or weeks.
So now, I see, I am back to maybe an earlier version of myself, one that was really afraid of other people for societal and cultural reasons. This is still there mixed between self-image, identity, and shame.
I stumbled upon a Kapil Gupta room on Clubhouse and was mesmerized by the things he had to say. I proceeded to read his entire blog and was left breathless. He mentioned self-help being poison for society. That essentially society’s rules and laws of how to do things and live a “good” life have ruined the human condition. This is of course nothing new, as in psychology a whole reason humans have mental “problems” is because we’re doing things we were not designed to do and living in a construct (civilization) that doesn’t fit our nomadic search for truth.
The thing is he also includes therapy itself as part of the norms and processes which should be burned in a fire. It seemed odd to say something beneficial that attempts to correct oneself is bad. But I saw what he meant, that therapy is again another rule on top of the rules which created the problem in the first place.
It made me think about EMDR then, it’s not therapy per se, but it’s fully experiential and an assault on the ego. It makes the truth clear to the ego which is wrapped up in the past. I do also see that I thought of EMDR as a way to solve things, it did things, and resolved things that no longer exist for me anymore (which Kapil would say is when you know it worked), but it wasn’t a “cure” all.
The idea that someone should get rid of anxiety is the problemKapil Gupta interview with Naval Ravikant
I think I’m at a point where that low-level what-is-that anxiety is where I am. That’s good? Plainly, I am really bored, and so is the rest of humanity. When I was a kid bored, I would sulk and then do something for the umpteenth time like a puzzle.
Anxiety itself is a puzzle for me now. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have anxiety, go to therapist, repeat. I hate it. But I love it.
I feel validated and seen. It’s exciting to discover the mind.
I guess this is the pleasure I seek. So how do I change that? I know how and yet I don’t.